If I was your girl...

My mother would say, “K, life isn’t fair. That’s how it is.”

I understand that.

But it really isn’t fair that you get to hold my hand, or stroke my hair, or kiss my neck, or feel my arm wrapped around your body... or look so sweetly, so softly into my blue eyes. It really isn’t fair that you get to do those very special things, that you get to have those very special moments, because you don’t deserve them. You don’t deserve me. And I’m not talking about sex. Just sex is not special. Anyone can have sex with enough confidence or alcohol.

Where and how does one draw the line? Shouldn't only special lasting relationships deserve such intimacy? Why should such intimate moments, such special moments, be shared if there is no love?

And as I think about this, I add another brick layer on my wall. A few guys down the road, my wall will be erect, and enforced so well that it will require a man to wrangle me in and tell me that he cares. And I still won’t believe him. I’ll still kick and scream and do bad things to him. And he'll repeat over and over again until he's blue in the face that I'm special to him. That these special moments that he attempts to create, the special touches that I will flinch at, that I will refuse - will leave him frustrated and unloved.

And I fear that this wall will shield me from true happiness. From discovering a man that is so beautiful, inside and out; that respects and cherishes me beyond anything I could ever imagine; that pales in comparison to any man I’ve ever met.

Someone special. So until then, no more special moments.

I never asked for your advice.

Again, I NEVER asked for your ADVICE.

I'm cutting my losses. Positivity ahead.

All I'm asking for...

It's so hard that the people that I am closest to, the girls that I truly love and draw from, the girls that I NEED, are all at a distance. They are the girls I see once or twice a month. It is almost as if we are separated by a far greater distance than actually exists. And it isn't that we all don't try. But then again, if we tried harder we might be able to see each other more.

It is that life happens, life interferes. I have to do this, I have to do that, I always HAVE to do something. I always HAVE to go somewhere. So on my days when I don't have to do a god damn thing, I literally refrain from leaving the bed unless it is to pee or obtain a food item (that is promptly brought back to bed).

It is these very precious and few days off that I know I should be pushing myself harder to utilize these days to see the people that I need to see in my life. The people that sustain my spirit and put me on the right track. The people who I become very lost without, unbalanced. The people that I love.

It is this dependence, this need for attachment and closeness that I can't help but feel vulnerable about. I love the closeness, I yearn for it. But it is a perceived weakness. It is a force that motivates my desires and dreams. It changes the decisions that I make and how I behave. I become a need-seeker, acting on impulse to satisfy this selfish desire, and the more I try to tame it, control it, mediate it, the stronger it becomes. It multiplies like a disease and then infects the entire system, to the point where I lose control, I cannot function. I desperately try to fill the gaping whole of my need, which leads to risky behaviors.

And yet, if I had to need anyone, I am happy to need my friends. If this need must exist than it is far better to need Law, Bee, and C, than to need the current flop in my life.

Williams Burroughs shot his wife.

I look at the crowds, big…oh so large and rambunctious. They are cheering for a man with a beaming toothy, smile; grinning from ear to ear, his firm round cheeks raised up to the light in his eyes. The feeling is overwhelming and I gladly place my individual power into his hands.
Now, reading all of these articles, looking at these pictures, I am frightened. Overcome with fear for the outward display of affection for this man we all barely know. Will he do what he promises? My skepticism grows.
I was comforted momentarily by my generations confirmation of his stature, of the undeniable surge of faith and hope, oh dear dear hope, that was thrust from his succulent mouth into the hearts and bodies of those who listened, those who were mesmerized to believe. For this was never a choice to choose him. However, it was not manipulation. It was an uncontrollable urge to follow and believe in his words and his ideas.
And I still have to look around, to look around at my elders. And think, shouldn’t we trust their crude judgments of him? Suddenly I revert back and am filled to the brim with anger and rage at their dismissal of this man, this mixed man. This man that they do not know how to classify. This man that transcends racial boundaries. This man that will not allow himself to be categorized so easily.
My heart is broken to see the great divide emerge between the generations. FINALLY, I think. FINALLY.
To recognize your own perpetuation of discrimination is difficult. Pulling the socialism card is very much a way out of discussing the racial hatred that has been ingrained in your very being. To work to eliminate it from your decisions and actions is even harder. But to eliminate it from your thoughts? That takes generations. And the great divide was seen this November as people protested and slurs were tossed. 1964 is not that deep in our past.

Reading the cover of the New York Times, I couldn’t help but read the profiles of McCain and Obama. Halfway through McCain’s I grew tired and lowered my eyes down to read Obama’s profile story. I read it feverishly; swallowing every description and anecdote like cookie dough ice cream. I thought, ‘Is this written better? Or is he just better?’ I conclude it’s a matter of interest and my interest lies clearly in the bed of the liberal opponent. I acknowledge my selfish love of his image and his ideas. I feel shameful that I have turned my back on the notion that your money is your money is your money, and not the governments. I used to like the idea of rich, white men that worked hard for their money and doubled, tripled, quadrupled it by stepping on the little people. I dreamed of being their wife or hell, even their mistress!

But as I ascertained my independence and gained my identity, recognizing that I was a woman... alone, and could make my own way without a rich, white man, and that the government could and should help me to some extent so I don’t have to take out a loan to pay my hospital bill from a kidney stone…

And then I turn the page of the New York Times, and read an article about how women’s healthcare is twice as expensive as a man’s on the free market. Health insurance during pregnancy: optional. Domestic Violence victims: Not covered. And this seemingly “free market” idea sounds a lot like being backed into an inescapable corner by the government. Segregated by gender? I am frightened.

Keep back 200 feet.

There is a reason for everything. There is a reason why Sex and the City, Season 3 is currently the season being featured OnDemand. Season Three, where she meets Aidan, and falls in love with him. So easy, so smooth, no issues.

He wants her in his life. He makes room for her. He treats her right.

And then Big, then Big comes back in, says the three words that she had waited for...and she destroys her future because she is still so invested in her past.

It's frightening to think that someone who left you feeling so unsatisfied, so unfinished, can re-enter and because you are still have so much to say, and STILL want so much from that person they can help you destroy your future.

So frightening to realize your own fragility emotionally. To know that you would make the same wrong choice if you had the chance, even if it meant hurting the future to revisit the past.

Stay away.

My First Niacin Flush

So, I popped a Niacin today with my regular B12 vitamin, as I've been looking for ways to break my nasty prescription drug habit for my migraine headaches. As anyone who knows me knows, that I suffer from intense days-long-lasting migraine headaches. Some have even witnessed me writhing in pain, vomiting, crying hysterically, clutching my head in absolute agony until I pass out from exhaustion. Well, I read up about it and decided to introduce B3 (Niacin) for the first time with plans to introduce a magnesium supplement as well as B2 (riboflavin) eventually.

In my research about Niacin I discovered that it may cause what was described as a "flush." I picture rosy cheeks and perhaps a feeling of warmth to the point of uncomfortable. But this description was TOTALLY inaccurate.

I thought I was dying, being burned from the inside out. As if there was a miniature hot-red burning sun somewhere inside my body, giving me a sunburn from the inside out.

I walked into my apartment, threw my keys on the table, dropped my pocketbook and took off my jacket. I felt a little warm, but thought it was just my roommate who turns the heat on 80 like that's normal. The thermostat was set at its normal 75, so i began to strip down. Suddenly my lips started burning, as if I was very dehydrated. They felt like they were on fire, then my face started to become stiff and swell slightly. My jaw went totally numb. I reached up to touch my face and the skin on my arm hurt to stretch. It was tight and painful to move. Suddenly, I was hot all over, and ITCHY. So intensely itchy all over. Only it HURT, HURT to touch myself, let alone I dare scratch.

So here I am, pacing my apartment watching this happen. I decide to take a shower. The hot water feels good. I get out and begin to dry off, and realize that it's too painful. I have pins and needles over my entire body, and leave the bathroom soaking wet. I throw on a t-shirt and crawl into bed. I grab my laptop and google this to make sure I'm not dying. I start drinking water. The pain begins to subside in my face after a few minutes. My arms become free again. Only now my legs burn and itch.

When the worst is finally over, my body is a little sore to touch, and the redness on my face has taken up residency in rectangular squares on each cheek below my eyes. Quite interesting.

I'm now detoxified.
A little frightened yet definitely ready to take it again. It was quite the adrenaline rush...

In my research, this "flush" or "crazy, scary pins and needles burning my entire body" feeling, is caused by the niacin expanding all of my blood vessels to allow 2 or 3 cells to pass through, thus eliminating any blockages.

I should have known better. I'm full of roadblocks.