It's so hard that the people that I am closest to, the girls that I truly love and draw from, the girls that I NEED, are all at a distance. They are the girls I see once or twice a month. It is almost as if we are separated by a far greater distance than actually exists. And it isn't that we all don't try. But then again, if we tried harder we might be able to see each other more.
It is that life happens, life interferes. I have to do this, I have to do that, I always HAVE to do something. I always HAVE to go somewhere. So on my days when I don't have to do a god damn thing, I literally refrain from leaving the bed unless it is to pee or obtain a food item (that is promptly brought back to bed).
It is these very precious and few days off that I know I should be pushing myself harder to utilize these days to see the people that I need to see in my life. The people that sustain my spirit and put me on the right track. The people who I become very lost without, unbalanced. The people that I love.
It is this dependence, this need for attachment and closeness that I can't help but feel vulnerable about. I love the closeness, I yearn for it. But it is a perceived weakness. It is a force that motivates my desires and dreams. It changes the decisions that I make and how I behave. I become a need-seeker, acting on impulse to satisfy this selfish desire, and the more I try to tame it, control it, mediate it, the stronger it becomes. It multiplies like a disease and then infects the entire system, to the point where I lose control, I cannot function. I desperately try to fill the gaping whole of my need, which leads to risky behaviors.
And yet, if I had to need anyone, I am happy to need my friends. If this need must exist than it is far better to need Law, Bee, and C, than to need the current flop in my life.
