Slow down. Relax. This is what I need. Some quiet hibernation. But then I'm alone with my thoughts...hmmm.
And my brain processes are in a million different places. Yes, I'm concerned about my current relationship because I don't know how much more I can give him without giving up and/or hurting him. Yes, I question my past... EVERYDAY. Yes, I am so preoccupied with my future that I make up scenario's to try them on to see how they fit, and then I shudder, and then I smile, because is that what I really want? Is the thing that I fight against the thing I want the most? Yes, I don't spend enough time worrying about MY future. About MY career. About MY choices.
Because I'm a girl, a woman, because of the way I was raised, I'm not focusing on myself. And I can't. I can't focus on my career. I wish I could crawl into a ball and shoot through life without a man around. It is so frustrating to rail against the very thing that you NEED. I'm making myself disgusted with myself. I'm going to stop.
And y'know what - this isn't about Beau, or Sho, or my parents, or my best friends.
Me. I'm alone. I'm only me. I'm me, alone, forever.
