I am not at full speed today. Starbucks is mandatory after required working hours.
I spent 3-4 hours today looking at the PeaceCorps website (I am really still thinking about it - but this is a girl without a passport.. I know, it's pathetic), reading stories, researching countries and projects. I get this bug every 6 months or so, the desire to take off and do something perspective changing...do something to make someone's life better. I suppose I could do that in my current situation, but I wouldn't have the added benefit of expanding my language skills, or the chance for new experiences that would inspire exciting new writing material. Like when something blows my mind and it explodes with words and emotions and ideas. Concepts. And I write and it flows and it all connects without any effort. It hasn't happened in awhile. Maybe it's because I'm thinking about the dishes in the sink too much, or smoking too many cigarettes or having another drink when I should probably just go to sleep. I don't know...
The less responsible I am, usually the better I write. When I have to write about something for a class is when I usually produce my best writing work... and it is ALWAYS totally unrelated to the thing I SHOULD be writing.
And I look back and read the wonderful thoughtful masterpiece I have spat onto the page, and I edit it, and scrutinize and overly criticize it... And then when I'm done and rereading it for the 5,036th time - I smile and think, 'What the fuck, k? You have a 15 page paper to write. Stop wasting writing brain power.'
But this isn't nonsense. Nothing is nonsense. Everything means something. Everything is relevant and for a reason. And I don't feel like writing my paper due tomorrow. And I don't think I will.
I'll just face the consequences of it all.
