Note: I wrote this yesterday, posted it, and ripped it down. I was afraid. I was afraid to talk about it, to confront it. And I posted it at 4:30 p.m. yesterday, February 12, 2009 and then felt compelled to rip it down 5 minutes later. I had the intention of tweaking it some more, thinking more carefully about my words... I couldn't escape it though....
Crawling into bed with Beau last night his words were, "Can you believe what's happening with Chris Brown?" And I promptly shot back with a "I don't want to talk about it." My smile went from wide to non-existent in 2 seconds flat. My mood went from up, up, up to FLAT. No emotion. Blank face. I went from kissing and hugging and laughing with my boyfriend to stone-cold-I-hope-I-fall-asleep-in-the-next-2-minutes-so-I-wont-lay-here-mad-and-hold-back-tears.
And then I took a deep breath and said my piece. That he would be set free, that the criminal threat charge had already been dropped, and ultimately he would probably receive some kind of assault charge and not do any time. And this is what I believe, and I expect nothing more from the District Attorney's office...Justice will never be served in this dating violence game. And Beau tried to stand up for the justice system that he believes in.."I'm sure that the A.D.A. had a reason..." yada yada yada.
On a sidenote: Do people really believe, like abusers new girlfriends, do they believe that us "crazy" abused girls just had the man that we loved and wanted to marry and make babies with, arrested and arraigned and indicted and put through hellish events because we're that "crazy?" I mean really. C'mon.
The only reason we go to the police is because that time is the worst time, it's the time when it's so bad that you almost lost a piece of your body...that he stripped you so you wouldn't leave yet you still tried to escape...and you're parents see you and you are broken... obviously broken physically and emotionally, that you have no choice. You cannot defend him against the black eyes and the trips away and the bruises covering your body anymore... his enforced calculated manipulation is no match for you. You give up, you forfeit.
You lose...on all ends. You lose the love of the man that you want to be with, you lose the trust of your parents, you lose the respect of your friends, you lose your dignity as doctors probe you, you lose your pride as the police shuffle you around in an unsure attempt at what to do with this young woman, and you feel the loss of love, trust, respect, dignity and pride all over again when you have to tell the story again to the grand jury lawyer and then again to the assistant district attorney above her and then again and again every time you have to recall the events of a given set of hours on a given day months and months ago.
Still affected. Almost two years later exactly. I am emasculated in this situation. Powerless.
Go here: HuffPo and Jezebel. They're letters from real women.
Here's what I wrote yesterday:
Rihanna and Chris Brown. If you’ve been living in a hole for the past few days, he apparently attacked her, and left contusions to her head, a broken nose, a split lip, as well as bite marks and the like. Did I mention that he also threatened to kill her?
The fact that he was accused was surprising to me, considering the two have matching tattoos and are also photographed together often, being very affectionately gentle with each other ironically.
Now he changed his status to “single” on facebook, and claims that we all will “see her true colors” and encourages us to “believe it!”
Her true colors will probably be mud-slinging descriptions that I know all too well… crazy, wild, and psycho. Maybe even provocatively so. Perhaps she will be compared to Britney Spears...
I had been waiting for Mr. Brown's second attack. All abusers make a second attack. The second attack is verbal, and meant to hurt the victim emotionally…make her cry not because she’s physically hurt, but to make her cry with sadness over the loss of a loved one that has inflicted so much unnecessary physical harm. It is the perpetuation of victimization…..
Victimized during the attack, victimized again by the family and friends that discover what happens, victimized again at the police station as everyone looks on at the poor woman who was beaten… Then he makes his blow after being arrested… And sometimes it continues on…
Yes, she may very well be crazy. But does that justify contusions to the head? Does that justify a hand raised to a woman? It’s something that men have to ask themselves. Most of them, when asked objectively, respond with a definitive “No!”
But in the heat of the moment, when the passion and fiery rage are burning… Do they have that self-control to abstain from hurting another human being?
Again, Rihanna might have done something wrong. She might have made him angry for a stupid reason. She might have had some boy’s number in her phone…
But that does not justify being hit or slapped.
The saddest part of all of this is that the criminal threat charge will be dropped, and I’m sure Chris Brown will be administered a nice, hard slap on the wrist. Unless Rihanna breaks his windshield; then he’ll be redeemed. I’m sure he’ll blog about it…
This keeps getting closer and closer to real life, minus the contusions, sprinkle in some sexual assault.
