Spring has sprung! And my eyeballs have also sprung! (into two swollen, itchy nuisances).
There is so much uncertainty. I want to know what will happen, with my relationships, with my financial/work/living situation. I need to know how and when it will change. Unfortunately, I can never know any of these things. I have to accept it, and channel it.
As Beau said last night, I am an "adult." I need to "release" this feeling. And he's right. I do. It is interfering in my love life.
In addition, this uncertainty is also due to my lack of friendships at the moment. I have been forced (in moving and packing and unpacking) to look at old photos and reminisce. And by old photos I refer to 2007. 2007 was a terrible year for me, full of trauma and alcohol-induced craziness. It wasn't that long ago. I frequented many bars with two girls that I never see anymore. Two girls that I barely even like anymore. And these are my best friends, the girls that I call when shit goes down, when I'm crying hysterically, when I've broken a windshield. And yet, I can't even do that anymore. I can't call them, I can't confide in them, I do not want to.
They've lost privileges to my life events.
But I need them. The other aspects of my life are faltering. I need them.
And in regards to alcohol, I've been keeping my distance this year, in an attempt to grow up. I came to the conclusion this morning that I'm full of myself, and have been parading around as someone I am not at all. I'm getting trashed this weekend (and maybe Tuesday too).
