I forgot to acknowledge that it was October! Oh gosh!
October is defined as my craziest month. It has always been this way. But last year, October of 2007, was definitely the craziest of my life. Wine, I would say, was the main character in my play called "October 2007: Kristy Loses Her Marbles." Beer and tequila were supporting actors.
I cannot say that I regret anything. No, not at this point anyway. There have been some days where I wished things didn't happen, but I'm quite comfortable with who I am, and what I've done.
Back to the subject, I was too intoxicated on random nights, for no reason. So drunk, that I fell out of cars, vomited on myself, woke up in strange places (like the sidewalk), and put myself in more dangerous scenario's than I ever could have enjoyed sober. It's a shame I wasn't writing then...
October is also a marked month for me because I lost my cool (which used to occur often), only this time, I suffered the legal consequences of my hot-headedness. My risk-taking was at an all-time high.
Anyway, I did a bunch of shit that I'm not proud of, but I wouldn't be who I am without it...how cheesy. Try again: I completed unnecessary headache-inducing things that were not worth the aggravation caused. No, not at all.
But, I still secretly enjoy them, revel in them, contemplate that I endured that and survived it. AND I've managed to avoid any kind of rehab, medication, handcuffs, and metal bars. Yet I still am guilty of wreaking havoc in people's lives. In particular, one person. Oh, and every guy that attempted to wrangle me down and wife me during that period of time. Sorry for straight up ripping your heart out and then letting my dog chew on it and then giving it back in a pretty box, 'cause that was fucked up.
It is still deeply troubling to realize your own duality. Just when you think you know yourself, just when you have yourself pegged as the type of character in your play of life, you realize that you are not that character at all.
I enjoyed being the victim, so to suddenly be the criminal was heartbreakingly sad, but it hit me like a cool, minty burst of energy when I embraced my criminality. I suppose this is as close as my Mary Sunshine image was going to get to an "edge" so I should make the most of it. It's sick and sad to think that when I left the precinct that rainy day in October of 2007, I giggled to myself that I had joined the ranks of Britney, Lindsay and Paris. It was a much-needed moment of relief followed by an intense month of anxiety and sleeplessness as I imagined the judge seeing through my shiny exterior to the horrible things I dreamt.
I had been on this incredible wave of emotion: loneliness, sadness, guilt, shame, grief, helplessness, hopelessness....lots of irresponsible behavior. And it took that to bring me back to my senses. Or to at least bring me to a better place than I had ever been in my life.
Admittedly, Law got me through it. She single-handedly acted as my savior via telephone some 1 hour away. I don't believe I've ever appropriately thanked her. I really should.
Hm. I'll do it tomorrow.
Now is time for showering and getting pretty in order to get drunk. Break open the wine!
