I've fallen ill, with the inevitable autumnal bug that everyone seems to have, in one form or another. I went out last night, I probably shouldn't have. I skipped many other things, most notably a very special celebration on Staten Island, where my two closest, favorite-est girlfriends were. I feel particularly guilty today. However, I digress.
I went out last night to boost my self-esteem - to dance and sweat and drink too much and act recklessly on the lower east side... where I can wear an ex-boyfriend's very-thin, ripped up, stained army-issue brown shirt that reads "I probably hate you" in cryptic small letters on the back. I wore this with nothing but a black bra, stretch pants, and brown boots, and WAYYYY too much eye make-up. Whatever, I feel better today, despite the snotrags that surround my frail body at the moment. I feel better mentally, like I'll be better, and there are so many boy options...we'll see. New horizons.
But it sucks to have to place myself looking toward the new horizon when I can't help but keep looking back. Keep reaching back. And am I holding on for the right reason? Does he want me to hold on? He'll say no. But does he really mean yes? If he could put my feelings aside, what would he want? Ultimately.
And I'm terrified of this. Terrified. Out of control, falling back into the same trap. But it's different this time I tell myself. But is it? The doubt is there.
I call, and he calls. And I'm so happy for this. But one day he won't call, and that is something that seems inevitable...we're headed down a deep, dark slippery hill with just our exposed bare feet. Destined for the doom of the end. Boom. The end. How far away is it? How much farther do I have to slip down until I'm at the bottom, so I can slither my way back to the top?
My mental projection goes something like, we'll call and go back and forth for a few weeks, if that long, and then the calls will fade...the memories will fade. And we'll both be onto something new, with a little personal sadness thrown in for good measure.
When will it end? I want it to be over.
