I thought I would provide a little break from the wishy-washy-ness of the past few posts to update you on my internal state, which I have separated from the external situation in order to function and smile and be happy.
Every three weeks I panic that I don't have my shit together. I look, ahem, at friends profiles on facebook - not good friends, just people I went to school with/admired, people I thought would one day "be something." I look and investigate and come to the conclusion that they have it all figured out, and what the fuck am I doing, and I had better start working harder. This is my dilemma.
I was laying in bed, contemplating my future (don't fret, I do this almost every night), and suddenly, the thought occurred (thank you to Michelle for putting this in my head Saturday night) that maybe these people who I *believe* have it together, are just really good at portraying that they have it all together.
Then I took it a step further. Facebook is one huge internet site, full of individual profiles of people who are all PRETENDING to have it together. Who add up fragments of their life to create something that truly is not there. However, to an innocent reader, it would seem that they have a wonderful relationship, very close friends, and a lovely family. It would also appear that their career/school choice is going swimmingly, with no doubts about their present state or future.
I have doubts, they are numerous. I imagine them as floating bath bubbles that hit the sunshine below the trees and have hints of soapy rainbows, so I don't run screaming in all different directions. It is easy to overcome a fear, but to overcome a doubt is ... it is overwhelmingly unthinkable to begin to overcome. I feel that my doubts are enormous as compared to everyone else's. Hearing about others problems only seems to rectify my dilemma's and encourage my thoughts of doubt and self-defeat. I am always afraid to take one step left or right, front or back, for fear that I will activate one of the many land mines surrounding me. I suppose it is this belief that prevents me from taking risks, and doing things that I imagine as impossible.
Someone once said to me a few months ago, "Well, you have it all together." And I looked quite puzzled when I responded, "No, I don't! What makes you think I do?"
I suppose it's all about the view - and if my view looks good to others, why doesn't it look good to me? Me, the only conductor of the k train?
